One in five Americans suffers from severe anger issues. Among its many manifestations are road rage, workplace violence, domestic abuse, and even addiction. The effects of anger, particularly the hidden kind, can be directly attributed to the fact that a significant number of the citizens of our nation are on antidepressants, overweight, and involved in a variety of difficult relationships. Anger has many faces. It comes in a variety of forms and has a variety of effects. Overt rage is the easiest to deal with and comprehend. When we or someone we know is openly angry, we know what we are up against and can address it directly. Sadly, however, the majority of anger is concealed. It frequently goes unnoticed and manifests in a plethora of hidden manifestations, including hopelessness, depression, anxiety, and apathy. Today we fear all kinds of external enemies. It is not so easy to realize, however, that the worse enemy we face is the anger that resides within us, the terror it causes and the ways this poison affects so much of our lives.
It is one thing to be told to forgive one another. It is another to know how to do this. Despite our desire to forgive, anger can be ruthless in its course, attacking and disrupting our bodies, minds, and spirits. However, there are many specific steps we can take to root this toxin out of our lives.
As we do the results will be reflected not only in our mental and emotional well-being, but also in our environment and physical health. Love and forgiveness naturally emerge when anger is eliminated, and our lives and relationships become everything they were intended to be. One or two of the 24 Types of Anger Being aware of our anger is the first step in removing it from our lives. It is crucial that we recognize anger for what it is, be aware that it is appearing and notice the devastation it creates. When anger is allowed to hide, it can easily degrade the quality of our lives and hold us captive. By recognizing the 24 forms of anger, we will be able to shine a flashlight on the poison within. Then we can choose to eliminate each one of these forms of anger, one a day. There are many wonderful antidotes that we can take. We simply replace anger with a life-giving, constructive, and healing response rather than allowing it to take hold. To begin we will look at a few of the 24 forms of anger, and how it affects your life. More is covered in depth in The Anger Diet and in subsequent articles. In this article we will also explore some ways these forms of anger can be eliminated.
1) A straightforward act of rage. This is unambiguous and simple to express anger. recognize. The rage explodes right away. Afterward, many regret it because they thought they couldn't control themselves. This type of rage takes on a life of its own; it can quickly escalate into physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. 2)Hypocrisy You are angry, but hide it beneath a smile and present a false
persona, pretending to be someone youre not. This behavior develops into various forms of bad faith. Although you think you are fooling others, in truth you are losing yourself and your own self-respect.
3)Depression Depression is so pervasive these days, and it ranges the gamut from mild to severe. Being unable to identify or appropriately express one's anger leads to depression, which is rage directed against oneself. After that, it just turns into depressions and an attack on the person who is going through them. 4)Passive Aggression This is a form of anger expressed not by what we do but by what we do not do. We won't give the other person what they want, need, or ask for. In this manner we anger the other while making it seem as though they are the one that is overly demanding. This is a way of expressing anger without taking responsibility for it, and blaming the other for what we have set in motion.
How to Get Rid of Your Angryness Needless to say there are many specific steps to take to undo different forms of anger. We will offer some samples. Realizing that anger can vanish in a split second is crucial. We can choose to see things differently. We can choose to respond differently. A problem can be stopped in its tracks in the same instant that it begins to get out of hand. When automatic anger strikes, we must stop and take control of the situation. We can and must decide that we will not let anger take over and rule. We have the right and responsibility to choose how we will respond.
Sample Ways To De-Escalate Anger:
1)Straightforward Attack: Stop in the middle of a situation in which you either feel angry or are being attacked. Widen your perspective. Rather than respond in a knee-jerk manner, say to yourself, Like me, this person has suffered. This person, like me, desires happiness and experiences loneliness and loss. As you do this, you are recognizing the similarities and common humanity you share, rather than focus on the differences. For a moment, allow the person to be right. You have plenty of time to be right later. Ask yourself if being right or not getting angry is more important to you. Choose compassion and see how you feel.
See how the other person is feeling as well. Watch as new perspectives enter your life. 2)Hypocrisy: This is a common form of anger that appears in many different ways. When you notice yourself pretending, lying, exaggerating or deceiving, stop. At that time, tell the truth. Be truthful. If you do not know what the truth is, be silent and become aware of what the deepest truth is for you. (This does not mean pouring out negativity or blaming the other. It means taking responsibility for what is real and true for you. (This will not only restore good will, it will connect you with what is most meaningful in your life.)
3) Depression: Today, become friends with yourself. When we are depressed, we are rejecting, hating and blaming ourselves. Undo this false state of mind. Find five aspects of yourself that you admire and respect. Concentrate on demonstrating your strengths to other people. In depression we are only absorbed with ourselves. A wonderful antidote is to become absorbed with how you can reach out to and help another.
The lives of our loved ones, friends, and acquaintances will be lifted and enhanced as we eliminate anger from our lives and find meaningful alternatives. Check out the full anger diet.
The inability to effectively control one's emotions is one of the biggest obstacles to building strong relationships, both at home and at work. Anger is one of the most difficult emotions, psychological responses, and physical responses to consistently process and control in life. The quality of your relationships, your physical and emotional well-being, and your ability to bring about positive and constructive change in your life will all be affected by how you choose to respond to your anger. You can use the practical advice in this list to better control your rage. 1. Understand What Anger Is Anger is a natural, God-designed emotional and physiological response to negative or threatening circumstances in life. When you believe that you have been treated unfairly or harshly, or when you experience frustration associated with an unmet need or goal, your mind and body prepare for action. It is this emotional and physiological response that we call anger. Anger has the potential to help us protect ourselves or others and can serve as a catalyst to bring about needed change. However, its relative value is largely determined by how we choose to respond to it. A secondary emotion is known as anger. This simply indicates that it is an extension of frustration as the primary emotion. Whether it's over not being able to fit into your favorite blue jeans or the person who just pulled out in front of you on the road, everyone experiences some level of frustration on a daily basis. The good news is that most people are able to avoid becoming irate as a result of their frustration; however, for some, this is not always easy. Hurt and fear are two other primary emotions that often accompany anger. When these other feelings are minimized or ignored, anger is frequently felt and becomes more intense. Learning how to recognize and express hurt and fear in a healthy way is necessary for effective anger management. [Keep in mind that the goal is not necessarily to eliminate anger, but rather to process and express it constructively.] 2. Control Your Initial Response Anger, which can range from mild agitation to violent rage, is typically the emotional and physical response that results from a perceived or actual offense or threat. The greater the sense of hurt, fear and frustration, the greater the intensity of your anger. Always keep in mind that your initial, or "automatic" reaction to anger might not be the best one. You need to pay attention to what you say and do to avoid making your pain into a negative expression. The difference between a positive and negative outcome can be as little as ten to twenty seconds away from when you react in anger. You should take a few deep breaths and tell yourself to slow down and respond instead of react during this time. A response is characterized by thinking before you act, considering how your action will impact others, and imagining a positive outcome. A reaction is impulsive and characterized by careless action with little regard for the outcome other than to relieve the tension caused by the rage. Its important to note that recent research challenges the once widely held belief in the value of letting one’s anger out through the release of physical energy, e.g., hitting a pillow or pushing a tree. Now, it is thought that this kind of "catharsis" can actually bolster the expression of hostility and aggression, making it more likely that someone will react in a similar way or even more strongly in the future. 3. Acknowledge Your Anger and Its Source Go ahead and say it: “I am very angry for being falsely accused, for being criticized, for being treated poorly or unfairly, for experiencing fear or hurt, etc. Admitting to yourself, and, at times, to those around you, that you are feeling angry is one of the keys to managing your emotion. A simple act of expressing your anger verbally can help you feel less angry. We run the risk of holding our anger in until it overflows or begins to harm us physically, spiritually, and emotionally if we don't express it. Keep in mind that feelings that are buried alive do not die! 4. Tell Yourself the Truth Here are some objective facts to remember when feeling angry: I have been hurt or treated badly and unfairly. To feel angry about that is normal, but to control my response is in my best interest.” “To respond to my anger irrationally or aggressively will not serve any positive purpose and could actually create greater pain and problems for myself and others.” When I choose to ignore or stuff my anger now I run the risk of acting it out later which will likely hurt myself and others in the process. I am only accountable for how I express my rage, not for how others may choose to respond. For effective anger management, it is crucial to practice rational self-talk. Following an angry reaction, make an effort to identify and examine the self-talk you engaged in while acting out your anger. Common irrational and destructive beliefs may include: No one is going to treat me that way and get away with it. The only way to really get someone to change or to understand what you want is by getting really angry at them. If I don't express my anger, people will believe they can take advantage of me. If I dont get angry they will think Im weak or try to control me. 5. Keep yourself away from the things that make you angry. Your emotional response can get worse if you are exposed to stressful images, thoughts, and situations over and over again. If you find that your anger escalates when you watch the news, read the newspaper or talk about an offense or injustice with a friend or co-worker, then you may need to significantly reduce or eliminate these activities. The same holds true if you are exposed to someone who intentionally, or unintentionally well give them the benefit of the doubt for now – provokes you by being critical, blaming or mean. The best thing you can do is respectfully withdraw from the situation and only reengage when other people's, particularly your own, heads are in order. Finding alternative activities to engage in when frustrated or angry like exercising, calling a friend, reading a book, playing with your children, working around the house, or watching a funny movie can give you the break you need to avoid an emotional reaction and regain a healthy perspective. 6. Engage in Positive Action Effective anger management often includes engaging in constructive and creative forms of expression. Here are some examples of how you may want to respond to your anger. -> Make sure you know exactly what it is you're angry about to keep it from spreading to other things or people. -> Regularly practice relaxation techniques. -> Refrain from reliving the experience and intensifying the emotion. -> Don't overstate the situation; keep your cool. -> Express the emotions that often accompany anger, i.e., hurt, fear, sadness. -> Explore options related to problem solving. If your anger is related to an ongoing frustration or irritation take time to consider possible solutions to resolving the problem. -> Rehearse your response and focus on staying in control, speaking calmly and maintaining a slower pace of speech. -> Think carefully before speaking and pay close attention. -> Use humor to diffuse your anger. -> Make sure that the timing is right for expressing your thoughts and feelings about an issue. -> Talk openly and honestly with friends, family and co-workers and make sure that the important ingredients of constructive dialogue are included. One way to enhance your communication with others when it involves difficult issues or painful emotions is to use a communication template. The one outlined below involves the use of five simple sentences that will help you stay focused. When you – Make sure you stay objective at this point only stating the facts of the situation not your interpretation of them. I feel – Keep in mind that you must identify feelings at this point not simply more thoughts disguised by the words I feel. Pay special attention to the temptation to use the phrase, I feel that you cant feel that. And then I – Here is your opportunity to describe your thoughts and actions associated with the situation. This will provide others with a window into how and why their actions affect you. What I need is – Dont be shy about sharing your needs, wants and desires. People often whine about what they don't want, but they don't always say what they do want. Expressing your needs in this way can open up a dialogue about expectations that can either lead to agreement or the need for modification. What Im willing to do is – This statement will give you the opportunity to communicate to the other person that moving forward in the relationship is not all about what they can do or change, but rather that it involves responsibility on your part as well. Example: I feel anxious, enraged, and disappointed when you arrive home an hour later than you promised. And then I think you dont care about me or our family and that you are inconsiderate. I need you to return home closer to when you say you will, or you need to tell me why your plans have changed. I'm willing to be more understanding of your workplace situation and more supportive when things don't go according to plan. At first you will likely feel awkward and clumsy when using this form of dialogue, but in time it will become a natural way for you to communicate and an important part of your overall emotional management strategy. 7. Apologize to the Offender It is in your best interest to ultimately forgive the offender if the offense you have suffered is personal, unfair, and extremely painful. When you've been badly hurt and mistreated, it's unfortunate that most people don't want to think about asking for forgiveness. Instead, you are likely to be more focused on some form of retaliation. Unforgiveness often leads to bitterness and resentment, which means you will personally suffer more than you need to. It has been said that holding on to bitterness is analogous to you drinking poison expecting the other person to die. A decision to not forgive your offender actually gives them power to continue hurting you long after the offense has been committed. Forgiveness is not easy, but its very necessary for your own well being. A great book on the topic of forgiveness is Forgive and Forget by Lewis Smedes. It not only helps the reader understand the importance and value of forgiveness, but it provides assistance in walking you through the process. Anger is not always easy to control, however, if you are willing to be honest with yourself and intentional about engaging in the process of change, you can be successful!
How to Get Through the Day When Your Anxieties Are Too Much to Handle What do you do when your fears and anxieties overwhelms you as soon as you get up in the mornings? Well, the first thing you should do is seek the assistance of a professional or counselor who can teach you how to control your fears and provide you with the support you require. Until you can meet with someone, what can you do in the meantime to cope with your fears? Take a deep breath and try to find something to distract yourself from the issue as the first step. A person could go for a walk, listen to music, read the newspaper, watch television, play computer games, or engage in another activity that will give them a new perspective on the world. You will be distracted from the issue at hand by this. The most important thing is that doing something will give you the self-assurance you need to function and get through the rest of the day. Another thing to remind yourself is that things change and events do not stay the same. For example, your anxiety may cause you to feel overwhelmed in the mornings, and you may believe that this is how you will feel throughout the day. This is not true. No one can predict the future with 100 Percent accuracy. Even if the thing that you feared does happen there are circumstances and factors that you cant predict which can be used to your advantage. You never know when the help and answers you are looking for will come to you. A counselor informed me that anxiety and worry diminish over time. Your anxieties may appear overwhelming right now, but that won't last forever. In time, your worry will lessen. I asked a professional why does the worry and anxiety decrease over time and she told me, Because it just does. Learn what works, what doesn't work, and where you need to improve in managing your fears and anxieties in every anxiety-related situation you encounter. For instance, you have a lot of anxiety and you decide to play on the computer to help you feel better. The next time you feel anxious you can remind yourself that you got through it the last time by playing on the computer. This will give you the confidence to manage your anxiety at the present time. Make sure to pray and ask God for assistance. One can only accomplish so much. When we ask God for help, He may provide us with additional resources to assist us in controlling our anxieties and fears. It is not always easy, however God is in control and he will help you if you ask him. As a Layman, I realize it is not easy to deal with all of our fears. When your fears and anxieties have the best of you, seek help from a professional. Be patient, take it slow, and never give up are the keys. You will eventually be able to locate those resources that will assist you in resolving your issues.
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